Panacea

LOVE, MARRIAGE AND HIDDEN AGENDAS 3

Nneka told her husband how much she had always longed to have a man that was homely and physically affectionate. 
Her father was not around a lot, when he was, he was very critical and inaccessible, this greatly affected his relationship with her mother and eventually with his children.
 Nneka went on to say, as a result of this, her mother was often depressed and an emotional mess. 
Nneka had therefore resolved not to go through what she saw her mum go through; she would marry a man she was sure loved her and put her first before anyone or anything else. 
She immediately began to feel a rush of anxiety, as Chinedu got more engrossed at work and coming home too tired to spend time talking with her, it felt like a very bad dejavu.
 Chinedu, on the other hand, was raised to deny and completely suppress his need for physical affection and show of emotion, it was for girls was what he had come to believe. 
His parents never told him that but he noticed that his mum only hugged and peaked his sisters. He and his younger brother were never hugged or shown any form of physical affection and then dad didn’t as much as share a handshake with him all through his growing up years. 
He didn’t have permission to cry, he was taught that a man needed to be strong.
As children, our primary caretakers helped shape us and inevitably help shape our choice of who we fall in love with and eventually marry. 
This is the reason why children of alcoholics often become one themselves and/or marry to alcoholics, girls that saw their mothers physically abused often marry an abusive man or may end up hating men entirely. 
The people we fall in love with most often have both the good and negative traits of our primary caretakers especially the one that affected us the most.  
An exception is those that were traumatized by a trait of one of the caretaker and them, therefore, make a decision (may be conscious or unconscious) to marry someone that is the  extreme opposite from the caretaker.
 Either way, our caretakers help us decide who we would love in our adult years. 
The other exceptions are those who through one means or the other (whether occurring naturally as they go through life or intentionally) were able to make peace with the wound(s) in their past thereby removing that criteria from the things they consciously look out for in a mate.
 Phycologist over the years has called this phenomenon by different names the one I like most because of its simplicity is “unfinished business”. 
Every couple have things in their past they have not resolved therefore the universe gives them another opportunity to learn the lessons the experience was intended to teach them and heal. This is one of the reasons we say in most cases divorce is not the solution. 
Many divorcees find that they remarry the same person only this time he has a different name, in fact sometimes someone worse or someone on the extreme opposite.
As long as the lessons the experience was meant to teach are not learnt the universe keeps bringing it up in different forms.
By having the conversation Chinedu and Nneka had, they create empathy that allows each partner to give room for the gradual growth of the other. 
This discussion is not intended to excuse a partner’s weakness(es), neither is it to be used as  a weapon against the partner because doing so can erode the trust matrix in the relationship and make having a fulfilling marriage hard to accomplish.
We will take it up from here next week.Thank you for staying tuned

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